How To Tuesday....

Since yesterday was Mom Monday, I decided to call today How To Tuesday. I hope you never actually need the following instructions, as was the horrible case with me yesterday afternoon.

How To.... Survive the situation of walking in the door with your one year old toddler to find your dog and your home covered in feces:

Step One: It's okay, go ahead and scream in disgust a little bit. It's gross and it's okay to make that known.

Step Two: Call your husband in a panic. He won't be able to do anything, but it is always better to alert him of the chaos he is missing while peacefully reading ESPN on the train on his way home from work.

Step Three: Decide not to move out. You. can. do this!

Step Four: Get the dirty dog outside so she stops trampling all over it and spreading it around more. Bathe her later. No time for that now; the whole house smells a combination of vomit, poop and the bile you just spit up in your mouth at the sight of it all.

Step Five: Secure the baby behind the baby gate right before she begins to smear the poop like she does her yogurt.

Step Six: Set the baby up with books for a distraction. Make this sound as exciting an adventure as meeting Cinderella at the Disney Parade!

Step Seven: Open all the windows and doors in the house to air it out. Wonder if anything has ever smelled worse. Pray it hasn't already embedded itself on your couch. Oh God... the couch. Check the couch for poop. Breathe a sigh of relief that it was spared.

Step Eight: Change clothes into something you can later burn. Find those plastic cleaning gloves that come up to your elbows. Consider clipping your nose shut with clothes pin.

Step Nine: Scrub. Scrub again just in case. Disinfect. Throw the poop in the yard to be later disposed of properly. Hose down anything within in 15 foot radius. Disinfect again.

Step Ten: Don't you dare take your shoes off. You can't be quite sure you aren't standing in it until you have scrubbed and disinfected at least three times.

Step Eleven: Sing every children's song to your now distracted, distraught, wants-to-play-with-her-mommy-because-she-has-been-at-work-all-day child to stop her from crying, while you clean up more poop, urine and vomit.

Step Twelve: Continue saying, "One minute sweetheart, Mommy just has to clean this last bit up. Norah made a mess, didn't she!", in a happy cheery, everything is perfectly wonderful, voice.

Step Thirteen: Is that poop on your hand?!!? You bet the dog's smell ass it is! All bets are off. Tell the still crying, "ma-ma-ma-ma"ing baby, "Honey, Mommy is doing the best she can! Please be patient!"

Step Fourteen: Play a quick game of peek-a-boo over the baby gate as an attempt to wash away your mommy guilt for losing your patience with a helpless one year old trapped behind a gate she can't see over, trying to get to her mommy.

Step Fifteen: Note the now agitated dog in the yard, and the increasing irritation in the baby. Decide you've done all you can do for now. Leave the last little out of the way bit for hubby who will be home in a few minutes. Think: "Ha. Not being here didn't spare you after all." Wipe the smile off your face.

Step Sixteen: Wash you hands and arms and knees 12 times. Then once more. Scoop baby up. Thank her for being patient. Take her outside (it still smells too badly in the house). Lay in the (unpooped on) grass and let her play with your hair. Ah, life is good.

Step Seventeen: Husband is home. Hand him a bucket. Give him a kiss for good measure.

Step Eighteen: Pour yourself and the hubs a glass of wine. Drink and repeat.