Mama said thery'd be days like this...

We have had some kind of summer.  It has been over 100 degrees for so many days on end that we have set all kinds of records.  You might say it is hot as hell.  And hell it has been.

Marin was recently diagnosed with a mild case of Sensory Processing Disorder.  Which means a lot of things, but basically, for her, it means that she still has some reflexes that most children lose by the time they are one.  So for her, her sense of touch is heightened.  What seems like overnight, my very laid back, easy going, happy little girl has had to deal with some very real, physical pain that has made her extremely irritable and moody.  She doesn't have the pain all of the time, just mainly when she has to get dressed.  If she doesn't find something that feels comfortable for her wear, it can take, on average, an hour and a half for her to get dressed in the morning.  And it's and hour and half of screaming and tantrums and crying and whining and throwing herself on the ground.  You know, all of mom's favorites.   She is seeing an Occupational Therapist for treatment, and they assure us that in time, she will get through this just fine. 

With this has also come epic temper tantrums that are perhaps not always age appropriate.  She often is reacting to something like, not being allowed to have a cookie, as if she were an 18 month old.  And I'm here to tell you; if you don't think it's cute when they are 18 months, it sure isn't cute when they are three.  She also has developed brand new anxieties with the disorder.  She is terrified of the dark, and sometimes has a hard time leaving me.  For my little day carer who literally would hit the ground running and blow kisses as I walked out the door, this is very unlike Marin. 

Many days it seems as though everything is hard for Marin.  And it both equal parts breaks my heart, and frustrates the living bejesus out of me.  From the time we wake up in the morning, to the time we go to bed at night; it seems like we are battling one thing or the other.

Marin will not wear a swimsuit because they all hurt her, so she has sadly missed out on a lot of pool time and swim lessons, things that even earlier in this summer she loved so very much.   We still attend water play dates, and Marin just plays in her clothes and underwear.  I'm traveling with multiple sets of underwear and clothes for her again to change into when she longer wants to be wet.

That's not to say there aren't good days and good moments.  Some days we find a dress right away to wear, sail through breakfast, have a good day playing and before you know it we're reading books before bed.  I have learned to focus more on the great moments in the day, instead of the great days in the week.  Moments like when she told me over her milk in the coffee shop the other day, "Let's sit down for a minute mom; I want to hear about your day!" Or, after a playdate when she runs up to the mom and says cheerfully, "Thank you for having us to your house!"  She is still sweet as sugar, the poor thing just is having a tough summer.

 It's hard for me, because I want things to be easy for her again.  I hate that this thing gets in the way of her being able to do all of the things that she loves so very much and makes it hard for her.  She's three; this should be her time to be totally carefree and not have a care in the world.  She absolutely LOVES the swimming pool, for example, and jumps off the side as well as the kids double her age, saying- "Go faaaaaaaaaar far back, Mom!" before she leaps into the water, only to swim to the side and hurl herself out to do it again.  Problem is, she just wants to swim in her dress, and it's not allowed.

It's also hard for me, because my patience for three year old temper tantrums is low.  Much lower than it needs to be right now.

I am confident that as we work with the Occupational Therapist more and more that we will continue to see results and that things will get easier and easier for her.  The day she wears a bathing suit again I will throw a party.  A big one.

And then there is my sweet Emilie.  Who prior to her tubes was not sleeping well, and was up at the crack of dawn- until we discovered that it was too bright in her room.  Post tubes and darkeners, she is doing better.  But the right ear tube is still blocked and so the drops remain.  She still wakes up crying every morning, but it doesn't seem to bother her in the day.

What does bother her are her teeth.  She is getting some new teeth and they really bother her.  Much, much more than they ever bothered Marin.  Also, on our recent cousin's trip to Lake Minnetonka, she got four mosquito bites on her head, and the combination of those with the teeth coming through had her up screaming two nights in a row for hours and hours and hours on end to no avail.  I had to drive her around and eventually sleep in the car with her until 7:15am, when Jason found me in the driveway.  The next night it was the same again until 4 am, when finally we just left, since we were supposed to leave at 6am anyway.

Oh and Norah had pancreatitis, which basically $1,000.00, antibiotics and a whole day of vomiting and diarrhea to the point of complete dehydration later, hopefully is behind us.  

All of this on top of our home being totally ripped to the studs and a complete mess- although on time and on schedule!  As grateful as we are for my parents to let us live here,  it is a hard summer to not be in our own home, with our own things, and our own beds.

I have learned a few things: There is no such thing as the perfect child, and there is not such thing as the perfect parent.  We learn as we go, and we hope we do the best.   There are a lot of days I am not a great mom.  There more nights than I like that I lie awake thinking about how I could have better handled a situation.  I guess we just have to roll with it.  I remind myself often that it could be worse.  It could be much worse.  And at the end of everyday I always remember to tell Marin and Emilie how much I love them.  How important they are to me.  And how no matter what, I would never change them.