The Momsume

Position Available: Mom

Applicant must be willing to give over her body, mind and self to the 24/7 care of client. Client may or may not have full understanding of language, and most likely will not listen 90% of the time. Applicant will need to be okay with repeating herself multiple times in considerate fashion. Client does not have consistent control of bowels, and diapering will need to be changed multiple times throughout the day and in locations away from the home. Applicant needs to be available around the clock when called, including the middle of the night and early morning, and a timely response and course of action is expected. Applicant is responsible for feeding client three well-balanced meals a day as well as providing healthy snacks. Applicant is also responsible for bathing the client as well as tending to the clients laundry needs. Applicant is responsible for cleaning up after the client. Applicant will be responsible for driving the client wherever they need to be, and in addition, the client will accompany the applicant on all of their personal errands. Applicant is responsible for the stimulation and nurturing of the client's mind and creativity, including signing the client up for educational and entertaining classes, most of which applicant will need to attend with the client. Applicant is responsible for teaching the client basic language acquisition, as well as numbers, colors, shapes, toilet training, respect,manners and right from wrong. Applicant is responsible for setting up and accompanying client to all social gatherings and doctors appointments. In many instances, applicant will be solely responsible for keeping the client alive.

Days off are minimal. Sick Days are completely out of the question. Any time off requires that the applicant pay a temporary replacement, or find a willing relative to watch client. Pay is zero dollars a year.* No bonus structure.* Most days applicant will go totally unappreciated.
*In most cases, the applicant will be giving up a paying job to take on these responsibilities, so applicant needs to prepare to actually lose money.

Though no official qualification are required to apply, extreme patience is incredibly helpful.


Would you apply for that job? I would. I have. And while I won't pretend to be the only person holding that job title, "mom" is absolutely the hardest job I have ever had. But it's also the best job that I have ever had. It's the best job that I get to have. I love it. And it's because of the rewards. Although unlike a traditional job, they aren't monetary rewards, however, they are the very best kind of rewards when it comes in the form of a "thank you mommy" or a hug, or a happy smile from your child. And to see your child succeed and learn and grow because of what you have been a part of, because of what you have fostered, makes being a mom, the very, very best gift in the world.

As you know, I'm about to take on a slightly different role: Mom to two children. Am I up for the task? (Or should I say, am I up for the multitasking?) I began to wonder about this. But the thing about being a mom is, the leaning curve is very quick. It's a baptism by fire, fly-by-the-seat-of-your-pants, learn as you go type of gig. If you don't know the answer now, you'll know it in about three seconds, because when you're a mom, you have no choice but to go with your gut, put yourself out there and try what you think is right. The best part is, if it turns out you were wrong, you almost always have a second chance.

Still, I wondered, if I were required to apply to the position of mom, what would my resume look like? What would I list as relative "previous experience"? How would my skill sets be measured? What skill sets would even be necessary? What I came up with was The Momsume. Mine looks something like this:


Johanna M. Patterson
Mom (February 2009-Present)
Desire to be a mom: (July 1978-Present)

Fluently trilingual in: English, Toddler, and Mickey Mouse

Qualifications/Special Skills:
- Shop for the family groceries with toddler in tow without tears (from toddler or myself).
- Kiss a boo- boo (real or dramatized) and "make it all better" instantly. Occasional help from princess band-aids are required, and I carry them on my person at all times.
- Can turn a funeral into a playdate.
- Applaud artistic abilities of child as if they are the next Michelangelo, even when the end result presented is one mono-colored scribble.
- Am able to dance and sing on command: including in public.
- Proficient in many favorite nursery rhymes and songs, and do not tire of singing them 40 times in a row as directed.
- Can pack, unpack, repack and travel by car, air or sea with minimal meltdowns.
- Can make a trip to Kids Play World fun for children and parents.
- Successfully convince even unruly toddler to brush teeth, eat veggies, sit on potty or clean up, by making it into a song.
- Am able to shower, blog, dry hair, apply makeup, cook, clean and urinate while entertaining a toddler.
- Expert in varying character voices for books, stuffed animals, dollies or princesses
- Can pack a diaper bag in 30 seconds flat
- Can change a crib sheet without cursing (admittedly, an acquired skill that took too much practice)
- Can shave my legs without showering
- Can pack a nutritional lunch child will actually eat at school with other children as a distraction
- Excellent and respectful guest at toddler tea parties attended by Mickey Mouse, Elmo and Dora the Explorer.
- Firm but loving when it comes to staying in bed at nap and bedtime
- Creator of "Monster Mommy", a laugh provoking, crowd pleasing game whereby Monster Mommy tickles children and smothers them in kisses.
- Expert in Peek-a-Boo
- Acknowledged for conducting bath time "business" (hair and body washing) before bath time playtime.
- Solely record all childhood memories in the form of blog, baby book, picture taking and video capturing
- Do not scream when addressed in the following manner: "Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy!.........."
- Am able to keep a running tally of all beloved toys and their made up names (ex: "Boo-Boo" is a beloved gray donkey given to her by grandma after a bad fall. "Pinky" is an essential pink bear that, if lost, will stop all further activity (specifically bedtime) in its tracks. "Raffie" is a yellow and pink giraffe that plays music and must be pulled at naptime but not necessarily bedtime.)
- Additionally, able to decipher the difference between the "Via" (Olivia) book and the "New Via" (most recently purchased Olivia) book, as well as distinguish what book is being requested when toddler says, "Fancy", "Pinkcious", "Llini", "Baby Llama", "Two Zoo", "Fish", "Piggy Book" or "Dinesaur".

Awards and Honors:
- Daily hugs and kisses
- "Thank you Mommy" at mealtime
- Awarded "Best Mommy in The Household" - Mother's Day, May 2009, 2010
- Routinely requested by child at bedtime

So, do I have the job? I am sure we all deserve our title as Mommy. I have the pleasure of knowing some of the best moms in the business. It's the hardest job we always wanted.