"I've Never - Mommies Edition"

If you were born between the years 1965 and 1990, you've played (or at least heard of) the game "I've Never". Those of you who say you haven't, are either lying or are boring.

For what I'm guessing is decades, college students across this great country of ours have sat in tiny crowded dorm rooms with a case of the cheapest beer they could convince someones older brother or sister to buy, to play "I've Never"; the game where you drink too much and share too much- both on purpose. One person says something that they supposedly never did, and if you have done that thing, you drink. It's a very mature and sophisticated game. Your parents tuition dollars hard at work.

When I became a mother, and my inhibitions were thrown out with the days of uninterrupted sleep, I began to laugh to myself at some of the things I was doing and the places in which I was doing them. One trip to play group made me quickly realize that I wasn't alone. So I got to thinking, what if mothers got together and played "I've Never - Mommies Edition"? Imagine what they'd have to share! My guess is that it would be enough to make the college kids nicely buzzed on Natural Light, stare bug eyed and wince.

So in the spirit of fun and full disclosure, here is the part of the fictional "I've Never - Mommies Edition" that would have me motioning to the bartender for a refill:

- I've Never breastfed my baby in the backseat of my car.
- I've Never breastfed my baby in a dressing room.
- I've Never breastfed my baby in front of my dad.
- I've Never breastfed my baby in front of a stranger.
- I've Never licked a pacifier after it fell to the floor, convinced that my saliva alone made it clean enough to give back to the baby.
- I've Never sat in on a conference call while using my breastpump.
- I've Never led a conference call while using my breastpump.
- I've Never knowingly put on clothes with spit up on them.
- I've Never blotted purred peas off my shirt to avoid an outfit change.
- I've Never used the restroom with my baby on my lap.
- I've Never changed a diaper in a bar.
- I've Never changed my shirt at a stoplight.
- I've Never left the crib bumper on even thought the book said I should remove it.
- I've Never sang the same nursery rhyme for an hour straight because it made my baby smile.
- I've Never put the aspirator up my own nose to be sure it worked.
- I've Never been seduced at the thought of mom jeans.
- I've Never sat in the bathtub just a few minutes longer when the baby began to fuss through the monitor.
- I've Never worried about something ridiculous, then talked myself out of it, only to worry about something bigger.
- I've Never thought my kid was cuter than your kid.
-I've Never stood over my baby's crib watching her chest rise and fall to be sure she was still breathing.
- I've Never dreamt of a playroom.
- I've Never fantasized about my husband changing diapers and folding onesies simultaneously.
- I've Never convinced myself that Karen Neuburger nightgowns were as sexy as they are comfortable.
- I've Never sniffed an article of the clothing, passed it to my husband and asked, "Is this dirty?"
- I've Never pumped and dumped- the next morning.
- I've Never gone to the park in my pajamas.
- I've Never reheated my coffee five times in one morning.
- I've Never begged to go to Bunko.
- I've Never not brushed my teeth until noon.

I've done some crazy things as a mother. Definitely things "I never" dreamt I'd do, when I was young and naive in college and likened motherhood to babysitting . But in a circle of my own kind- perhaps during a girls night out- with the kids safely asleep in their suffocation hazard free cribs, and our husbands in charge of their midnight diaper changes- after a few rounds of "I've Never - Mommies Edition", we'd all be drowning in our cosmos. Only instead of hiding our shame after admitting to all of your dorm floor that you have fantasized about your RA; in the "Mother's Edition" we'd hold our head's high with pride at the lengths we went to love our babies. Even if it came at the price of close to indecent exposure in a public place.