What I want my girls to always know

I realized the other night as I was feeding Emilie and literally whispering sweet nothings in her ear as I rocked her, as I do most nights, that if something were to happen to me tomorrow, my girls would have no memory of me at all. I can nearly recount, in detail, every minute of their sweet little lives, and yet if I died tomorrow they wouldn't as much as recall the sound of my voice, despite them having to hear it more than they probably wish on some days.

I know it's morbid, and I have no plans for that to happen; that's why just before the tears fell, I pushed the thought out of my head and went on to blissfully sing to my baby girl as she cooed back at me. But then this morning after a gigglefest with Marin and a sweet moment with both of my girls around the breakfast table, (where Marin told me, "These eggs are extra good, Mommy!"), I dropped Marin off at school and decided to go to a little coffee shop by our house with Emilie. And as she was sitting like a big girl in the highchair beside me, slapping the the table with her open hand, and proudly spouting out da-da-da-da-da and ah-ah-ah to me as if we were two old girlfriends catching up, the thought hit me again. This time, hard enough to make me actually cry big alligator tears right in the middle of the coffee shop.

I couldn't help but think, if something happens to me, will they ever really know how totally and completely crazy ga-ga I am over them? Will they ever know how lucky I feel to be their mom? Will they ever understand how much I love that I get to be home with them every day? Will they ever learn that the fork goes on the left and that the knife and the spoon (in that order) go on the right? Jason could fill an entire lifetime of stories about how much I loved them, but let's face it- he's never going to teach them how to set a table.

If you've been reading a long time, you may remember that right before Marin was a year old, I wrote her this list of things I think every girls should know. Emilie, ditto. But I'd like to add a few more personal things. So girls, here goes. Listen up.

If something were to happen to me tomorrow, I want you both to know...

- That being your mom is the single greatest joy in my life.
- That I love you in amounts you will never understand except maybe possibly when you have your own children. And yes, this includes those moments when you have thrown yourself on the floor kicking and screaming because you don't want to wear pants.
- That I love your Daddy very much. And that he makes me laugh as much as he makes you laugh. And that I think he's fun and smart and handsome and adventourous, and yes, sometimes stinky.
- That even though I may never let you know it, putting your arms around me and telling me you love me can get you out of any time out, no matter what you've done.
- That I notice you caring for your friends and it makes me extremely proud.
- That I love listening to you talk to yourself as you play and imagine.
- That I love to dress you up and comb your hair.
- That you can do anything in the world that you want to as long as you put your mind to it and believe in yourself. I believe in you and I am proud of you. (and I'd want you to know that I've whispered this to each of you before you go to sleep each night for nearly your whole lives.)
- That I don't consider anything that I do with you or for you a chore.
- That I love to celebrate you. On your birthdays or on a Tuesday.
- That even thought it may not always seem like it, I am never to busy for you.
- That nothing is more important than either of you.
- That I love to read to you.
- That when you learn something new, every fiber of my being beams with pride.
- That the days that you were born, and the moment I first laid eyes on each of you were the very happiest moments in my life.
- That your smiles make my heart skip a beat.
- That the sound of your laughter is better than the music of the finest symphony in the world.
- That nothing makes me happier than when you snuggle with me. Even if it means I have to watch some ridiculous kids show.
- That you are beautiful, precious little girls with giant hearts and beautiful manners. And I hope that the world never tarnishes that for you.
- That many times I can not get enough of you- so much so- that I want to eat your cheeks and kiss your face a thousand times.
- That I am always thinking about you. Whether it's things to do together, or ways to work on your development, or strategies to parent you the best that I can. I want the very best for you every single day.
- That Daddy and I never go to bed without checking on you each first and kissing you goodnight one more time before the day is done.
- That you make me happy over and over and over again every single day.

I'm not planning on going anywhere. And hopefully we're reading this together someday after your own children are having babies and you're wheeling me in to meet them. But just in case we don't get that chance, now you know- that never were there two beings on this planet, more special to me than you.